The Bishonen's Guide to Fangirl Self Defense
by The Happy Potato
Summary: Sure, there are plenty of guides out there detailing the proper method for capturing bishonen. Now there's a guide for teaching the poor guys how to fight back.
1. The Guide

The Bishonen's Guide to Fangirl Self-Defense  
  
by The Happy Potato  
  
Sure, there are plenty of guides out there detailing the proper method for capturing bishonen. Now there's a guide for teaching the poor guys how to fight back.  
  
I. What is a Fangirl?  
  
A fangirl is any girl with a life-threatening crush on an anime character. They can be quite violent and obsessive and may cause bodily injury in a fit of excitement or jealousy. Fangirls come in all shapes, sizes, and ages, however, many of them are in the 13 to 15 age range. At this age, their ideas of love come from TV and movies, making them particularly dangerous.  
  
II. Glomping  
  
A. Definition of glomp: (v.) to seize violently by any part of the body, particularly the neck, in an attempt at intimate physical contact  
  
B. How to Break a Glomphold: Glomping is almost always such a tight grip that force is inevitable in breaking it. Any special skills or weapons may come in handy, but bodyslamming or ramming walls also help. Always remember the primary rule of this guide: lethal force in self-defense is not out of the question, but should be used as a last resort.  
  
III. Desperation Tactics  
  
The most obvious way to get fangirls to leave you alone is to get ugly quickly. One way to go about this is to tan a lot, thus causing premature aging. However, it is important to know that scars don't work. Fangirls dig the scarred guys.  
  
IV. All Males are at Risk  
  
Just because you are unattractive or even freakish by real-world standards, do not assume that you will not be adored. In fact, if you are an unusually short demon with an extra optical organ, the best course of action is moving to Siberia until Cartoon Network picks up another series with a variety of male characters. On the other side of the coin, remember that the more you look like a girl, the more likely that you'll have legions of crazed girls after you.  
  
V. Gifts of Consumables  
  
Under no circumstances should you accept food or drink from a fangirl. You don't know what it's laced with. Fangirls are notorious for going to extreme measures in attempts to keep bishonen for their "personal use" (i.e., good luvin').  
  
VI. Disguise  
  
The effectiveness of disguise in warding off fangirls should never be underestimated. Depending on the intelligence level of said fangirls, disguises may range in complexity from a simple mask to an Afghan burqa. Dressing as a female will get rid of most fangirls, however, if you do it too well, you have a whole new problem.  
  
VII. Final Words  
  
Lethal force may sometimes be necessary, but remember that fangirls are like the Hydra in Greek mythology. If you get rid of one, she will be replaced by three new ones. Doesn't that suck?  
  
Thanks to Buckeroo for help with numbers III and VI. 


	2. Additions, or, The Stuff That I Didn't T...

Additions (a.k.a. The stuff that I didn't think of the first time)  
  
I. Hiding  
  
A carefully concealed "fortress of solitude" is essential to eluding fangirls. The more obscure, the better. We hear that there's a hole for rent somewhere in Iraq.  
  
II. Diversion  
  
When the numbers of fangirls are heavily against you, point in a random direction and yell, "Look! It's Orlando Bloom!" Then run like a bat out of hell in the opposite direction while the fangirls are distracted. Such is the power of men in fruity wigs over the weak-minded. Harness this power and use it to your advantage.  
  
III. Angst and Brooding  
  
It is common knowledge that brood and fangirl appeal are directly proportional. In order to protect yourself from fangirls, be sure to avoid being any of the following: Evil, a loner, vengeful, a misogynist, an orphan, a thief, post-traumatic stress disorder-stricken, a ninja, a vampire, a devil, a genocidal maniac, or a megalomaniac.  
  
IV. Facial Hair  
  
Facial hair is almost always a turnoff to fangirls. No one wants to get their lips anywhere near something resembling a porcupine. Unfortunately, even if you stop shaving, you might not ever grow a beard. It's one of those weird idiosyncracies about being an anime character. The best you can do in that case is a fake beard from a costume shop.  
  
V. Weapons  
  
Everyone knows that swords are the coolest weapons in anime, and fangirls love the swordsmen. You may want to consider trading in your blade for something less cool. Ranged weapons are more effective anyhow.  
  
Muchas gracias to my good friend John for writing almost all of number III and inspiring number IV (though I really can't believe that I didn't think of it before). 


End file.
